Too Large for a Tent Dress
Or, How I Got My Blog Logo
Y’all sure do know how to make a girl feel special! My little writing project has over 100 subscribers now, which is about 80 more than I planned on. I’m honored by your subscriptions and promise not to be too boring. A few folks asked about my blog logo, which has significance. But first, I’mma tell you about being too big for a dress whose skirt is large enough to cover small children.
When I was 25, I spent the year teaching English as a Second Language in Korea. The story of how I made that life decision involves a kegger, so parents, don’t ask what your kids’ teachers are doing on weekends. I was both naive and afraid, which meant that I took the ostrich approach prior to leaving and didn’t even read the Wikipedia page on South Korea first. This is how I landed in Incheon unaware that I’d signed up for a year of spicy seafood and body shaming.
In 2008, there was one size of Korean clothing readily available for young women, called “free size”. Older women, or ajummas, had their pick of loose polyester blends, but anything cute for a 20-something was free size. At the time, I weighed around 110 pounds, US size 0-2 or XS. I confidently bought those cute free size clothes.
Only to discover that they were too tight. I was too large, and the culture didn’t hesitate to tell me. Well-meaning Koreans worried that my face was too big, my feet were too enormous (size 6), and asked my weight. I weighed the same as the adult male who served as my homestay father.
While I could wallow in that particular shame and annoyance for several more paragraphs, let’s fast forward to 2021. I’ve decided to reclaim my Korean heritage and purchase hanbok, traditional Korean clothing, for our family Christmas card pictures. (I don’t think you’re allowed to work in ministry in the South without sending Christmas cards, but #ministrywifelife is a whole other series of blog posts.) Last piece of context: my body reflects the changes of my life. I’ve grown two humans inside me, aged, and decided that I don’t care if I ever get below 140 again. So if free size didn’t fit 30 pounds ago, I’ve now graduated to the Big and Tall store in Korea.
What’s a hanbok? It’s a bell-shaped dress with a jacket worn over it. The skirt is probably 4 feet in diameter if not more.
I ordered multiple styles and sizes since international shipping takes a while, and I wasn’t sure what would look best. While I’d already braced myself, I wasn’t prepared to cry when the XXL didn’t even come close to fitting.
Too large, again and always. I’d spent hundreds trying to celebrate my heritage, and all it got me was the realization that my upper arm was the size of an entire hanbok jacket. Forays into being Korean often feel like this. I have broken down in my kitchen because a recipe went wrong, crying for a mother I didn’t have to teach me. Each little scrap of Korean culture in our family’s life represents a hard-fought emotional battle, where I absorb the tragedy of losing my heritage and turn it into something meaningful for my children. Which is why we took Christmas pictures with their hanboks, and I wore a purple sweater from the Gap.
One of the blessings of being adopted is that you control how much of the culture you absorb. Korea is known as the plastic surgery capital of the world, and its obsession with thinness and whiteness is harmful. I can reject these negative aspects of Korean culture and focus on the parts I enjoy, like fatty Korean bacon aka 삼겹살.
Just like my relationship with Korean culture, my logo is a little blurry. The shape reflects dancheong, which is a traditional Korean art form of painting on wooden buildings, often temples or castles. This art dates back to BCE. There are strict rules about symmetry and colors, and there are specialized artists who create dancheong.
On my logo, the colors aren’t exactly where they should be, and the drawing isn’t as strict and tight. Despite that, it’s beautiful. It’s Korean enough, and so am I.
Korean enough. That is it. Doing our best. Taking what we can and leaving the rest. Love this. Love you!