Dumping a Toxic Boyfriend

Note: I married a non-reader, and now I see the world differently. For those of you who also prefer audio, I’ve begun recording my posts. No fancy podcast mic. I’ll probably talk too fast. Today you can hear my scratchy throat, thx cedar fever. But here you go, audiophiles, the non-print version. Click above to play.

Ah, a lopsided romantic relationship. A rite of passage for most of us, probably had around the same time we were lightly abusing substances and beginning to collect grown-up paychecks. I’ll speak to the ladies since I’ve walked in your uncomfortable but sexy shoes. You are trying SO hard, you beautiful young thing. Exfoliating and plucking and shaving and buying newer, sexier makeup. Choosing to be “low-maintenance” over verbalizing your very valid feelings and needs. This man is damned lucky to have you, and how does he respond to all your trying and offerings and sacrifices? With a casual flicker of his eyes as he scrolls some more on his phone.

This is a story about social media.¹

I want to tell you up front that this post isn’t meant to judge or shame you. The relationship is toxic for me personally, but this isn’t some sweeping statement about how everyone should go Luddite. If you know me at all, you know one of my core values is that we can believe different things and still love each other. So, what makes this relationship so bad?

1. Drama: Unpredictability gives us a rush. Scrolling Insta is emotional roulette. Will I see something that makes me feel affirmed and connected, like this meme that summarizes my stage of motherhood? Will I see something gut-wrenching, like images of bombed Palestinian hospitals? Will I experience jealousy looking at someone’s European vacation? Yes. All of these. In under 5 seconds.

My life now is exactly what I dreamed of and planned for. I wanted a quiet life in a big city. A healthy, fun marriage and children. Look, my excitement now is singing to “Getaway Car” while lumbering around town in a Honda Odyssey. Might blow an extra $50 at Costco, who knows. So the drama of social media feeds my impulse for an emotional rollercoaster.

2. It’s Casual: In my whole entire life, not a single person has ever described me as casual. I am an overthinker who holds intentionality as one of my deepest values. Everything I post online has rolled around in my head for at least an hour, maybe days. I’ve considered word choice, tone, and whether the image is right. One platform I use is Tinybeans, a service that lets you email photos of your kids to a list of people. I find myself stepping out of wonderful moments with my kids because “I need to document this for Tinybeans”. I consider how long it’s been since I’ve posted, and I put pressure on myself to give updates.

All of this emotional labor results in, what? A few likes?! Listen, 14 year old Emily. Someday, you won’t know your friends by whose numbers you’ve memorized or whose house you’re at on Friday. Instead, you’ll sit alone in your room and stare at a glowing glass brick. You’ll look at pictures of your friends doing fun things, tap the glass twice, and that will be a signal of your friendship.

I have yet to post anything on any social media platform that has resulted in a deeper friendship. Yes, people feel like they know me more. Sometimes they’ll even post a comment. That isn’t reciprocal connection. It’s passive asynchronous interaction, which we have deluded ourselves into believing is connection.

If you value and care about me, you’ve probably got my phone number. Text or call it. If you want an update on my kids, you can ask. I’ll then ask you how you’re doing, and the relationship will be two-way. We will exchange ideas and updates, and we will build our relationship together. No more tapping the glass and calling it real. No more me creating content and you casually scrolling by. It’s not fair to either of us.

3. Giving the Milk Away for Free: Ok, folks. Let’s start with how deeply wrong it is to ever use this analogy regarding women and sex. Are you saying I’m a cow? One that a theoretical man would purchase? And only because he wants my, ahem, milk? Everything about this expression is debasing, dehumanizing, and reduces men and women to caricatures.

That said. This particular cow is done giving away my words. I have enjoyed creating in bits and pieces on social media. For the last several years, it’s all I had the time and energy to do. Now that I have more space for myself, I want to use it deliberately. My vision for this blog is to build windows and mirrors, create a legacy for my family, and work toward publishing a book someday. That vision is less likely to come true if I’m using my creativity on Insta captions and status updates. (No, I’m not going to start charging on Substack. Yet. I need to be more ballsy before I believe that I can make this my paid gig.)

4. The Late Night Fishing: As I grow into middle age, I’ve tried to eschew black and white thinking. It feels dramatic and boastful. I’m not here to proclaim that I will NEVER use social media again EVER because it is EVIL. I’m admitting to you now that there will probably come a sleepless night where I am sucked in for hours, clicking on every high school acquaintance because this is how we treat insomnia now.

I’m going to keep my accounts open, for the sole purpose of promoting this blog. You’ll see me continue to post when I’ve written something new. Nerd alert: some 10% of you come to my blog through my social media posts. (No, I don’t know who you are too. You can safely read without actually having to admit to me that you like my writing.)

But if you’re inclined to put a ring on it, you can:

Anyway, I’ve been on social media for nearly 20 years. I don’t expect the habit to disappear instantly. I am making commitments to minimize it though. That looks like: deleting the apps from my phone, consciously texting someone instead of scrolling when I’m feeling lonely during the day, and working through my own FOMO.

5. Genuine Connection: Like any relationship, there are pieces that are real and good. Last week, someone I haven’t seen in 15 years connected me to someone they thought I’d enjoy knowing. The little sparks of birthday messages, congratulatory comments on life milestones, opportunities to laugh together about the absurdity of parenting little ones. I truly treasure these pieces and will grieve them.

Midlife is about prioritizing what matters. If you want a deeper relationship with me, lean in. Start texting and calling. (Y’all. I love unexpected phone calls. They are such a sign of thoughtfulness and care to me. YOU like ME enough to CALL?! You want to TALK to me? Call anytime. Before 8pm.) Even better, come by the house and hang out with our family. Witness the dinner/bath/bed debacle for what it is, and then high five me when it’s over. If you only wanted casual contact with me, that’s ok. This is your explicit permission to let go of this casual relationship. I hope it frees up more of your time and energy for someone who matters deeply to you.

Final thoughts: I’ll continue to share snippets of writing on my Notes page. Those don’t come via email; you have to visit the site to view them. Subscribers can comment, and I’d love to begin conversations over there.

Cheers to me, making better decisions than my early 20s self, and rolling into 2024 with a clear vision for my writing and my relationships. I hope the new year brings you clarity and peace too. Love y’all, see you in the new year.

1. Giving credit where it’s due. Writer Michael Harriot often uses this red herring literary device, starting with a common metaphor then hitting you with “This is a story about ____”. His book, Black AF History, is on my wishlist.