The writing is a gift. And I mean that in the sense that it is not deserved or earned, it was given to me freely. By God or the Creator or the Divine or whatever you want to call it. More proof of a higher power. Because, while the putting down on paper in proper order is hard, and figuring out how to not be repetitive is hard, the actual composing of sentences just flows and always has. Yes, I'm a voracious reader and smart person, but that doesn't equate to writing being as easy as it is for me. I believe it's one of my unique talents, and I feel more purposeful now that I've embraced it. Like this is what I'm supposed to be doing with my life because it is the gift I've been given. Now if I could just figure out my relationship with the gift giver :/
Another innate gift and also curse. I can't really think properly about something until it's written down. Which is why I have a notebook full of packing lists, daily schedules, and the minutiae of parenting. This has all been spinning in my head for months, and it was a huge relief to spit it out and see it. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I always treasure hearing from you.
Once again you’ve moved me to tears of love, pride, and compassion. So many things you’ve shared here have tormented me for years. Thank you for being so brave and putting it all out there. And have I said lately that you are a phenomenal writer! Wow!
I vividly remember losing my religion when a Methodist youth pastor explaining to 12-year-old me that, not only was I doomed to hell for being unbaptized, but so were infants that tragically died before baptism and children globally that had never even heard of a Christian God. And the relief I felt in my 30's when I finally felt confident saying I was atheist, dropping any pretense of belief in God. I'd honestly assumed that I'd followed a one-way path in the evolution (devolution?) of my belief systems, especially as I've moved to less religious and more liberal spaces. Thank you for bringing such a humanist perspective, and for the reminder that it's an incredibly complex topic that deserves ongoing thought throughout our lives regardless of where we are on the spectrum of religion.
I can relate to your journey and am glad you found peace in your beliefs. It’s true that the topic of religion is complex and evolves throughout our lives. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
Can't edit the post once it's published, or it re-sends to the entire mailing list. But I will give a reading list of sorts in the future! PS: Don't feel any guilt about the church camp. It was all meant to be part of my story.
As I get older, the more I realize that situations where BOTH things can be true are everywhere around us. Life is not simple, and I deeply appreciate your open discussion of some of the thornier life questions. Proud of you, friend.
Wait until your kid comes home and tells you they learned hell is where bad people go and heaven is for good people 😳 It is not simple at all. May we introduce the world’s complications with more gentleness and perspective than was given to us.
Love you. I debated on publishing for most of this month, but it just felt too important to hide. Maybe it will spice up future family gatherings?! 🙈🙈🙈
I see you, Emily. As a K-12 educated and raised Georgia girl without the Southern parents for roots or White skin, who found herself at a Southern Baptist College in college classes where the Bible was discussed as a book and my classmates "texts" were Vera Bradley wrapped, I feel all of this deeply and am equally sitting in the messy middle. No advice, but lots of empathy and appreciation for your vulnerability. I appreciate the mirror because it makes me feel less alone.
The Vera Bradley detail! Yes, I’m right there with you. Remember when we began the Asian affinity group and realized how not-alone we were in our lonely experiences? I am glad to hear my writing was a comfort to you now too.
Just… yeah. I grew up in an interfaith household, between two religions that somehow both laid claim to me and completely rejected me, simultaneously. It messes with your head and your identity. As this point, I use integrity as my North Star, but all of organized religion makes me sad. So, yeah. I see you.
Thank you for sharing your story. Experiencing that would definitely mess with your head and identity. Organized religion and integrity to me seem to be sometimes incompatible. I think the larger your reach becomes, the harder integrity is. You see it in businesses, schools, and everywhere including the church.
Yes, I’ve fretted a lot over the condemned babies myself. Honestly, I didn’t expect to be thinking about this. It’s been a little midlife surprise. I was on that same one-way path. The only appropriate expression seems to be “if you want to make God laugh, make a plan” 😳
I had the same struggle years ago. I relate to everything you wrote. I wanted to be a good Christian so badly, but it was like my morals weren’t letting me keep working towards that goal. I just couldn’t worship anything that had the power to stop stuff like a kindergartner being raped by her dad or the preschooler down the street dying a slow painful death from cancer but chose not to use that power, instead using his divine intervention be helping someone with a flat tire. When I would read the Bible I was so disgusted with God, he was the one killing everyone, and making everyone’s lives miserable. The devil was said to tempt people but the sadist I was reading about was god. I ultimately decided to be fully honest with myself and follow my moral compass and admitted to myself I am an atheist. The vacuum noise in my head, my anxiety and racing thoughts all basically went away and I feel so much peace now. I wish you so much luck in finding your way to peace and just wanted to share that if you end up on the proudly unbelieving side of the fence, that soul lifting peace is still a possibility. Thank you so much for opening up about these hard struggles!
Ohhh Jamie, we’ve come a long way from 8th grade huh? No matter how much I write about growing up in the Ville, you just had to be there to get it. Thank you for sharing your perspective. I’m so glad you found peace. I think a lot of us who started out in the church have found other avenues to peace. It’s great to hear from you.
F**king yes, Emily! SO many of us are in this exact spot! Messy, mixed up, but sure of so many things that just have to be true - love, justice, and peace among them. And I watch with grief as the “Christians” around me are so willing to step away from those in the names of faith, patriotism, tradition . . . politics for heaven’s sake! I’ve been waiting to read your perspective on it all and you really hit it on the head for me. Thanks for the openness and connection. It’s so very encouraging!
“Mixed up but sure” should be its own religious category. I’m glad this encouraged you. I was dreading making it public, but a voice - the “still, small voice” if you will - told me I needed to, and the responses have affirmed that. The fear-based part of me is still worried that someone is out there judging me, but luckily the no-bullshit part of me is much bigger and stronger these days.
Thank you for sharing! It’s so important to hear each other’s stories, but few are those brave enough to share so authentically. I keep a sticker on the back of my Bible that simply reads, “in conclusion, no one knows.” And it reminds me to hold my “answers” with a loose grip, and my questions with curiosity and humility. 💜
Emily, this is wonderful. I'm so glad you shared this and I have grappled with many of the questions you shared--there are many great things that have come out of faith and 'walking with Jesus/God', but I believe that also not so many great things have come of it, and possibly even MORE problems have been caused by organized religion than not. I was in a training not too long ago that has really helped me see how colonialism, religion, and the patriarchy work/have worked together as a trinity of oppression for people of color. I recently wrote and submitted a short story with my own experiences of religion and church camp (mine was Discovery Camp in Columbus, TX in 10th grade...definitely left an impression). I too struggled with the exclusiveness of the church and total misalignment with my own values and that of my southern Baptist (on my Black and white family sides) while still respecting and holding space for those who are Christian and with whom I don't agree. Not easy, but I feel like the most important thing is that I'm true to myself and that I choose love and empathy as much as I can. Not gonna lie, it can be exhausting. I'm not much of a hugger, but I wanted to give you a big hug after reading this. My only unsolicited advice, of which I think you'll agree: Keep on writing my friend!
Natalie, I’d take both the hug and a copy of the short story!
Yes to love and empathy. It’s funny, I paint these stories of people doing harm to me, but I truly know they were acting within their environments and doing their best at the time. Aren’t we all. Someone on social media made the astute observation that a narrow-minded pastor who condemns others to hell may not even be hell-bound themselves, which is such a reminder of infinite grace.
"If I could sum it up neatly, it wouldn’t be a crisis." I could work for several hours or days and not come up with such great writing.
The writing is a gift. And I mean that in the sense that it is not deserved or earned, it was given to me freely. By God or the Creator or the Divine or whatever you want to call it. More proof of a higher power. Because, while the putting down on paper in proper order is hard, and figuring out how to not be repetitive is hard, the actual composing of sentences just flows and always has. Yes, I'm a voracious reader and smart person, but that doesn't equate to writing being as easy as it is for me. I believe it's one of my unique talents, and I feel more purposeful now that I've embraced it. Like this is what I'm supposed to be doing with my life because it is the gift I've been given. Now if I could just figure out my relationship with the gift giver :/
Wow, your writing is truly powerful and thought-provoking. Keep it up!
She had good teachers. She is an awesome writer.
How crazy and how amazing that in the midst of all this thought and struggle, you turn it into such wonderful writing.
Another innate gift and also curse. I can't really think properly about something until it's written down. Which is why I have a notebook full of packing lists, daily schedules, and the minutiae of parenting. This has all been spinning in my head for months, and it was a huge relief to spit it out and see it. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I always treasure hearing from you.
Your writing truly captures the beauty in the chaos. Keep sharing your powerful words with the world.
Once again you’ve moved me to tears of love, pride, and compassion. So many things you’ve shared here have tormented me for years. Thank you for being so brave and putting it all out there. And have I said lately that you are a phenomenal writer! Wow!
Looking forward to big hugs soon. Love you!
Your vulnerability and strength are truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and grace. Your words have touched me deeply.
I vividly remember losing my religion when a Methodist youth pastor explaining to 12-year-old me that, not only was I doomed to hell for being unbaptized, but so were infants that tragically died before baptism and children globally that had never even heard of a Christian God. And the relief I felt in my 30's when I finally felt confident saying I was atheist, dropping any pretense of belief in God. I'd honestly assumed that I'd followed a one-way path in the evolution (devolution?) of my belief systems, especially as I've moved to less religious and more liberal spaces. Thank you for bringing such a humanist perspective, and for the reminder that it's an incredibly complex topic that deserves ongoing thought throughout our lives regardless of where we are on the spectrum of religion.
I can relate to your journey and am glad you found peace in your beliefs. It’s true that the topic of religion is complex and evolves throughout our lives. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
I think a lot of us can relate. Thank you for sharing and giving us something to think about. So beautifully told.
Can't edit the post once it's published, or it re-sends to the entire mailing list. But I will give a reading list of sorts in the future! PS: Don't feel any guilt about the church camp. It was all meant to be part of my story.
I agree, it really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
As I get older, the more I realize that situations where BOTH things can be true are everywhere around us. Life is not simple, and I deeply appreciate your open discussion of some of the thornier life questions. Proud of you, friend.
Wait until your kid comes home and tells you they learned hell is where bad people go and heaven is for good people 😳 It is not simple at all. May we introduce the world’s complications with more gentleness and perspective than was given to us.
It’s true, life is full of complexity and nuance. Your willingness to explore the grey areas is admirable. Keep up the thoughtful conversations.
Thank you for this. I always appreciate your perspective and your willingness to be honest, especially when the cost is extreme vulnerability.
Love you. I debated on publishing for most of this month, but it just felt too important to hide. Maybe it will spice up future family gatherings?! 🙈🙈🙈
I admire your bravery and honesty. Your perspective is always valuable.
I see you, Emily. As a K-12 educated and raised Georgia girl without the Southern parents for roots or White skin, who found herself at a Southern Baptist College in college classes where the Bible was discussed as a book and my classmates "texts" were Vera Bradley wrapped, I feel all of this deeply and am equally sitting in the messy middle. No advice, but lots of empathy and appreciation for your vulnerability. I appreciate the mirror because it makes me feel less alone.
The Vera Bradley detail! Yes, I’m right there with you. Remember when we began the Asian affinity group and realized how not-alone we were in our lonely experiences? I am glad to hear my writing was a comfort to you now too.
Thank you for sharing your story, it’s comforting to know others can relate to feeling caught in the messy middle. Your vulnerability is appreciated.
Just… yeah. I grew up in an interfaith household, between two religions that somehow both laid claim to me and completely rejected me, simultaneously. It messes with your head and your identity. As this point, I use integrity as my North Star, but all of organized religion makes me sad. So, yeah. I see you.
Thank you for sharing your story. Experiencing that would definitely mess with your head and identity. Organized religion and integrity to me seem to be sometimes incompatible. I think the larger your reach becomes, the harder integrity is. You see it in businesses, schools, and everywhere including the church.
I can relate to the struggle of navigating different religions and finding your own path. Stay true to yourself.
Yes, I’ve fretted a lot over the condemned babies myself. Honestly, I didn’t expect to be thinking about this. It’s been a little midlife surprise. I was on that same one-way path. The only appropriate expression seems to be “if you want to make God laugh, make a plan” 😳
I had the same struggle years ago. I relate to everything you wrote. I wanted to be a good Christian so badly, but it was like my morals weren’t letting me keep working towards that goal. I just couldn’t worship anything that had the power to stop stuff like a kindergartner being raped by her dad or the preschooler down the street dying a slow painful death from cancer but chose not to use that power, instead using his divine intervention be helping someone with a flat tire. When I would read the Bible I was so disgusted with God, he was the one killing everyone, and making everyone’s lives miserable. The devil was said to tempt people but the sadist I was reading about was god. I ultimately decided to be fully honest with myself and follow my moral compass and admitted to myself I am an atheist. The vacuum noise in my head, my anxiety and racing thoughts all basically went away and I feel so much peace now. I wish you so much luck in finding your way to peace and just wanted to share that if you end up on the proudly unbelieving side of the fence, that soul lifting peace is still a possibility. Thank you so much for opening up about these hard struggles!
Jamie
Ohhh Jamie, we’ve come a long way from 8th grade huh? No matter how much I write about growing up in the Ville, you just had to be there to get it. Thank you for sharing your perspective. I’m so glad you found peace. I think a lot of us who started out in the church have found other avenues to peace. It’s great to hear from you.
Reading this has given me hope in one area I have been struggling myself. Thank you for being willing to share!
F**king yes, Emily! SO many of us are in this exact spot! Messy, mixed up, but sure of so many things that just have to be true - love, justice, and peace among them. And I watch with grief as the “Christians” around me are so willing to step away from those in the names of faith, patriotism, tradition . . . politics for heaven’s sake! I’ve been waiting to read your perspective on it all and you really hit it on the head for me. Thanks for the openness and connection. It’s so very encouraging!
“Mixed up but sure” should be its own religious category. I’m glad this encouraged you. I was dreading making it public, but a voice - the “still, small voice” if you will - told me I needed to, and the responses have affirmed that. The fear-based part of me is still worried that someone is out there judging me, but luckily the no-bullshit part of me is much bigger and stronger these days.
Thank you for sharing! It’s so important to hear each other’s stories, but few are those brave enough to share so authentically. I keep a sticker on the back of my Bible that simply reads, “in conclusion, no one knows.” And it reminds me to hold my “answers” with a loose grip, and my questions with curiosity and humility. 💜
Jinny, what a simple and profound gesture. I love it.
Emily, this is wonderful. I'm so glad you shared this and I have grappled with many of the questions you shared--there are many great things that have come out of faith and 'walking with Jesus/God', but I believe that also not so many great things have come of it, and possibly even MORE problems have been caused by organized religion than not. I was in a training not too long ago that has really helped me see how colonialism, religion, and the patriarchy work/have worked together as a trinity of oppression for people of color. I recently wrote and submitted a short story with my own experiences of religion and church camp (mine was Discovery Camp in Columbus, TX in 10th grade...definitely left an impression). I too struggled with the exclusiveness of the church and total misalignment with my own values and that of my southern Baptist (on my Black and white family sides) while still respecting and holding space for those who are Christian and with whom I don't agree. Not easy, but I feel like the most important thing is that I'm true to myself and that I choose love and empathy as much as I can. Not gonna lie, it can be exhausting. I'm not much of a hugger, but I wanted to give you a big hug after reading this. My only unsolicited advice, of which I think you'll agree: Keep on writing my friend!
Natalie, I’d take both the hug and a copy of the short story!
Yes to love and empathy. It’s funny, I paint these stories of people doing harm to me, but I truly know they were acting within their environments and doing their best at the time. Aren’t we all. Someone on social media made the astute observation that a narrow-minded pastor who condemns others to hell may not even be hell-bound themselves, which is such a reminder of infinite grace.